Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
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