My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
So... In conclusion, do I bring my vibrator and risk not only having it getting taken out at security, but also exposing my dad to my neon green vibrator, or just leave it here?
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
Randomize
