Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
Your dick is once again the conversation topic.
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Randomize
