after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize