A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
