I'm sorry my penis didn't work
i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
