I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
I wish there were birth control emojis
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
Randomize
