I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
Randomize
