If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
This is my gift to your gina
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
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