i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
Randomize
