We were both sleeping and she woke up and just puked i feel so bad for everyone around us
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
well, it ended with me crying outside the strip club saying i don't want to be 21 anymoree. i'd say it was a great 21st birthday.
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
My professor is wearing skinny jeans, orange socks and just said penetration. I don't know what to think
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Randomize
