Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
Last night she walked off and disappeared from everyone got home at 330 and said she went to the casino with her cab driver.
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
Yeah that stuff was rough. We insisted on wearing our bikinis all down college ave, and at several parties that were not beach themed
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