Michael Bay diarrhea
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
Randomize