dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
His dick might not be the answer to my problems, but I'm definitely ok with testing it as a possible solution.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
Randomize
