so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Randomize
