life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
Saved By The Bell: The College Years had it waaaay wrong on that one.
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
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