I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
I need some transition time from spring break.. can we day drink between classes this week?
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
Randomize
