Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
Then that is decided. Fuck away my little bunny rabbit.
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
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