He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
Semen is not good for contacts.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
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