does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
Randomize
