i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
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