Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
Randomize
