when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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