Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
Randomize
