you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
Randomize
