Someone shit on the floor
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
Randomize
