I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
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