I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
