Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
Tough to say exactly how to play this. I just know people don't like surprises when genitals are involved.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
Randomize