The pirates hijacked 3 more ships today!!
we need a boat to join in
Obama is on top of it we'd get killed within mins, but we'd live in legend foreva
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
She told me I should be a condom model.
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
She has the best kind of daddy issues
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Randomize
