3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
Can i not drive my cunt home
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
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