He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
in a basement doing blow off a prince dvd next to a chick in a saddam mask
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
If you were curious as to how many pounds of bagged marijuana can fit in the trunk of a 2010 Chevrolet Aveo, we now have the answer
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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