I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
just went home with some hot chick. she has posters of the jonas brothers in her room. i basically ran out of the house.
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
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