I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
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