Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
you were acting out moves from the wwe, in a dress. then you sceamed "you can't see me" and ran out of the apt.
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
Randomize