You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
Randomize
