I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
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