Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
This is your typical drubkba Amy test. Shout out to jisus for auto correct
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
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