I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Randomize
