He just left - my room smells like that cheese they put on nachos and cigarettes and beef
Yo quero taco bell
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
I intend to get homeless drunk
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize
