I dont remember anything after Tequila & Apple Juice. May have disovered the recipe for mental bleach.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
birth control should be required to get into college
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
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