I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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