Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
Yeah I guess I was Pocahontus. If she were a trifling drunk who hung out in her undies, with possible brain damage.
dude that girl has seen more cock ends then weekends
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
Randomize
