Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
i just successfully used the word "hymen" in a paper...welcome to senior seminar in lit.
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
Randomize
