i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
with the possibility that i could very easily fall in love with him and i've actually talked to my HUSBAND about it
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
Randomize
