This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
Randomize
