It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
why do cheetos always look like penises
I love watching others lives come down to our level.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Randomize
