who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
Randomize
