That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
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