if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
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