I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
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