this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
Randomize
