If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
Randomize
