i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
Randomize
