I molested 6 butterflies tonight
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
Do you think girls in gamma phi sit around and think about how much they suck?
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
Randomize