Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
Damn. That makes sense
I know im like the sherlok holmes of sexual problems
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
Randomize
